Monday, February 22, 2010

I've Been Running

No, not in the literal sense. If you know me at all you know that I despise running and it will never be the activity of choice for me.

I have been running from God.

I have experienced hurt in my life. Everyone knows that. BUT those were moments that I experienced and then I began to heal. This hurt has been long and grueling. It doesn't let up. It isn't a moment that I can grieve and then begin to heal.

As Connie said last week something has been stolen from me. That thing is an identity. The identity of mother. Like she said I have to go through the grieving process, but this one is different. It comes in cycles. I complete the process and it starts over. After last Monday I told Craig I was in the anger stage. Angry that I never get my turn to be happy. Angry that I always seem to be dealt a bad hand. Angry that life never runs smoothly. Angry. All the time Angry. It has affected my attitude, my life, my relationships. My wants, desires, ambition. All of it by the wayside as I focused on my anger and hurt.

Last night it broke. At least I feel like it did. Dan Bohi spoke to us. I have to say before the service started we had heard some not-so-kind remarks. I was not looking forward to the service and had no idea what was to come. He started and I was still skeptical. Still wondering what he could tell me that I did not already know. Had not already heard.

I have to admit that I don't know if he told me something new. I think I knew it all along. I think God just used him to break down the walls of anger and hurt. Part way through I started to feel the heat in my cheeks the tears building. I realized how dumb I have been to run from the one person who can take away the years of hurt and replace them with peace. I kept thinking when will he end. When will he stop talking so that I can run.

Then he gave the altar call and I felt a terrible fear. A fear in my gut. Then Megan stood up and started walking. I pushed down the fear and took the steps forward feeling Craig on my heels. I fell at the altar head in my hands and wept. For all of the days I have lost. The hours and minutes I will never get back. For everything that tomorrow holds.

I felt the hands on my shoulders, my head, the prayers, the tears. I felt it. I let it come and overtake me. In those moments I prayed that God would soften me. That he would renew the fire within me. That I would have it back. That I would have the want and desire.

I also prayed for healing. Dan had spoken about healings in his services. And I truly believe. I have FAITH that if God is working through that man he has the power to heal in Jesus name. I prayed that Craig and I would be healed from our infertility.

As we rode home Craig finally said it. He told me that he was waiting for him to stop talking so that he could fall at the altar. That maybe he could be healed. He was there for the same reason I was. So that the power of the Holy Spirit could come upon us and heal us.

I told the girls last week that I think Craig is carrying a burden over our issues. He feels some fault. I reassure him, but nothing can take that away.

So, now we wait. We wait and see if God has granted our desires. I have FAITH that he CAN heal us and give us the desires of our heart. I know that he has a plan for our lives. A plan for hope and a future. Good plans. I do not know if those plans involve a child. If they do not then....then we pray that the healing we asked for will take place in our hearts. That he will heal our broken hearts and help us to press forward in whatever plans He does have.

Until God be the Glory!


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