I have an all consuming fear that sometimes takes over me. It doesn't show signs that it's coming. It gives no warning. It just hits. All of the sudden. The walls come down. The tears flow. The arms embrace. The mind races.
Most of the time Peyton is in my arms and she looks at me bewildered while I sob uncontrollably.
It starts with I wonder...
I wonder what she felt in that moment. The moment she knew she would not be here to mother us all our lives as she had planned. The moment she knew she would miss the first date, the graduation, the college experience, the wedding, the grandbabies. Was her heart broken like mine is now. How did she not grieve over what she would miss. Or did she. Did she silently endure this heartache on top of the physical and metal pains she was already enduring.
I have been told that she said the hardest part about letting go was knowing that she was leaving us. How did she ever do it.
I have an incredible fear that I will leave Peyton here. That I will not be here when she is holding her own child in her arms. That I will have to say goodbye too soon.
I don't want that for her.
I don't want that for me.
Is it normal to have these fears? How do I overcome them?
For now I know this...I may not be here when shes 20, 30, 40 or even 8 for that matter, but I am here now. I need to make now count. I need to make the memories that she will have forever. That God willing I am here to remember and share with her and her children one day. Cherish every moment.
That is all I can do. Oh and document as much of it as I can. I think this fear is what drives me to write this blog, to take photos and make books, to keep up the baby book. The fear that one day that is all she will have.
I wish I had more.