Fears

I have decided that the days where she is super active are a double-edged sword. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the days where she is super active. I love feeling her moving around constantly. BUT that means the next day I feel nothing!

I am pretty comfortable with her schedule at this point. She is usually up when I wake up, awake right before lunch, and more active in the evenings.

Today she was not up when I woke. I commented on it to Craig before he left. About 8:30 I started to get more and more worried. I googled and went and drank OJ and laid down. I mean google has to be right about how to make my baby move! Still nothing. Then I had a panic/crying attack. Nothing. I took a shower because I planned to call the doc and go in immediately. I got out called Craig and laid down again. This time I felt a LITTLE movement. Nothing at all like normal. I decided to give it time. Maybe she would wake around her normal 10:30. Not so. She has given me a LITTLE movement just to let me know she is still there, but nothing to enjoy. At least it has eased my nerves a LITTLE.

I have decided that these fears stem from an event that happened to my boss a few years ago. Otherwise I would think nothing of it.

A few years ago my boss and his wife were expecting their 2nd baby boy. They had only a short time left to go. I want to say she was in the early 30s as far as weeks go. She didn't feel movement and they went in only to find the baby boy had passed away. I had always heard of the 1st trimester miscarriages, but this was devastating.

I have a very real fear that is going to happen to Peyton. I have these attacks, not as severe as today, but I have them. I have voiced my concerns to Craig. I just can't find a way around them. Death and loss is all to real in my world not to have the fear that I might never hold her in my arms.

I know that day will bring new fears, but I am so ready for these to be in the past. 65 days. Only 65 days. I am hoping it is less than that!

As I close out this post my belly is bouncing and it feels so good to have that reassurance.

My prayer today is this: That I have the comfort and peace within my heart that comes from the realization that God my father is also the father of my unborn baby. That even in the womb he knows her, he cares for her, he is watching over her. I know that he has given her to us as a gift and a blessing. He has entrusted her into our care as her parents, but only as her earthly parents. He continues to be and always will be her heavenly father even as he continues to form her.