It seems like it has been a long time since I laughed. I don’t mean the ha ha laugh that comes when someone tells a joke. I mean the guttural, rolling in the floor laughter that only happens when you are truly happy.
In the move Love Comes Softly Missy run screaming to Clark “Paw, Paw you got your laugh back”.
I want my laugh back. The laugh of childhood. When days were carefree. I never knew what tomorrow held and I never cared. Now it seems that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I cant seem to shake the heaviness in my heart.
Last week was excruciating. I had heard people talking about the physical pain of their heart breaking and had brushed it off. I felt it. Wednesday as I laid in the floor tear streaming, unable to breathe, I felt the physical pain in my heart of it breaking in two. That is pain my friends. The pain that comes from a situation you cannot change.
I have spoken about this challenge being the worst of my life. The others were a moment that I grieved and then began to heal. This is a never ending roller coaster. I have some ups but more downs.
I am dealing with an anger. A furious anger of the heart. One that I have found to be unrelenting. I think often about my anger. I cant shake it. It is the kind of anger that makes you want to move to another country just to be rid of the situation. Sometimes I think moving to a remote island where there is no one would be best.
My prayer today is that God would give me my laugh back. I know not what it will take. I do know that it will take effort on my part and it will take a mending of my heart. The removal of my intense anger. Now I have to find the strength to do my part. Right now I have none. No strength. No will. No want. Working on that. For now I am glad I am gone this week.