Monday, January 18, 2010

Starting Again

I just called and made our first appointment with ART. When Kady brought it up my first reaction was that I was not ready. I don't want to be pushed back into the needles and the counting and the poking and prodding. When I brought the idea to Craig he immediately wanted to jump back in. I think he never wanted to stop going.

I felt like a pin cushion. Some kind of human experiment. When we were told the only way for us was IVF I knew that was my way out. Now I am hopeful that we will get more promising news. That a miracle will have occurred and they will not find any problems with either of us.

When I called today I was thinking I would get an appointment in a couple of weeks and all would be fine. When I called today she said "We have some cancellations this week." My mind went into overdrive. As soon as we hung up the tears started to flow.

I expected to feel excitement, but instead I feel dread and fear. I am anxious and nervous. I guess in my heart of hears I really hoped that we would never have to go back here. That it would happen by God's grace and not at the hand of a physician. By the Great Physician, but not by the earthly physician that I will see Thursday morning.

I pray that I do not fall back into the depression I experienced last time. That this time I will be able to focus on the excitement and the expectation and the positive outcome.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

1 comment:

  1. I love you both! God is near you just let him hold you and comfort you no matter what! you are in our prayers.