Today Dad and I ran some errands around town. As we were driving to the house so I could feed Jack, Jill, and Lady he casually asked about adoption. I told him that Craig and I are just not ready right now. He went on to talk about how I am doing a little better being around other people and their babies. I really don't know that I am. Maybe I am getting better at hiding my feelings. It all depends on who it is as well. I am better around people I don't know that well. I am not good around family. I may act okay in their presence, but a lot of times when I leave I cry in the car on the way home. I dwell on it. I throw the pity party of why can't that be me? If we had a kid when we first started trying they would be three or so now. Why?
He also talked about Craig and how much he loves him. He is amazed that after all I went through I could find Craig.
He talked about how proud he was that I went back and finished school after what happened. I love to hear that he is proud of me.
He talked about how he thinks that all I have been through has caused me to build up a wall and not let people in. I agree. I can feel it. I can see it. It has changed me. I can't stand it, but I can't stop it.
He talked about how he and Sherry realize now that they made a mistake getting married so soon after mom died. It may have been right for them, but he can see now that it was too soon for Kady and I. We didn't have our time to grieve. He was lonely, but we weren't ready. Neither of us thought about the other back then. Neither of us understood. He said that the night he saw me watching him with Sherry he knew he made a mistake. He was hurting me all over. It took me a long time to open up to Sherr and let her in, but I think I am so grateful to have her in my life. Dad couldn't have done any better.
He asked if I ever visit my mom's grave. It is weird that he asked today because I went last night. I never go. I probably haven't been in a couple of years. I don't see a reason. She isn't there. I can talk to her from here or anywhere. Craig has been there once I think, but it was without me. I can't take him there. I don't know why. I don't know why I went last night. Maybe it was because it had been so long. Maybe it was because I was alone. Maybe it was because I ride by there at least once a day and never stop in.
He also talked about the three most painful times in his life...
-the day mom died (Christmas eve just after midnight the phone rang. dad got it. he came out of his room and told Jonnie Rae and I that "Marika has gone home". Dimitri and Ruth came over, we picked up mawmaw and pawpaw, and headed to the hospital. I remember walking into the room not thinking she would be there, but she was still in the bed. I remember circling around her and praying. I remember dad leaving the room. I remember putting my forehead to hers and bawling. I remember pastor smith placing his hand on my back. I remember dad saying "you can't even die in peace. there is all this paperwork.")
-the day he told Kady and I that she would die. he says he will never forget that. honestly neither will I. I remember where we were (in the living room), what he said (Marika isn't going to come home this time), what we did (burst into tears, confused), who came over (he called pastor and Janice to come over and pray with us).
-the day I called him from the Glass' house screaming and crying asking him to come get me. (I remember every detail of that day as well.)
How is it that these most awful times in my life are so vivid in my mind? I can back to them. They feel like just yesterday. I can see, smell, feel, and hear everything just as it was. I would rather remember the good times, but I don't. Not like that.
Every time we are in the car dad always seems to get into deep conversation about the past. Maybe it is because I was always there and old enough to remember.
How does he talk about it? Every time he mentions my mother tears spring to my eyes. I can't talk or respond because I know I will start crying. I don't know how he does it. I can still hear the love and hurt in his voice. Oh to have a love like that. High school sweethearts, first loves, best friends, partners. Married at 18. Married for 17 years. Now she has been gone for over 12. I can't believe it has been that long. I know he can't either.
I miss her but sometimes I don't think as much as I should. I hurt for her. I want her to know this part of my life. I want to know her better. I want her to know Craig. I like to think there is a little window in heaven and every now and then she gets to look down and get a glimpse of my life.
Sometimes it makes me angry that I have gone through all this. It not only hurts me to think about it but it took away my laughter. It took away my childhood. It took away so much more. I want it back. I want to happy and carefree. I don't want to worry that one day my sister might get cancer. I don't want to worry that one day my dad might leave too. I just want to be free again like I was before it all happened. I have found myself laughing and opening up more in the past year than I have in a LONG while. I hope that I am on my way back to finding myself. It has been a long journey.
I love car rides with my dad.